I have good days.

I haven't blogged in a long time.  I haven't known what to say, or what to share.  Perhaps I still don't, but today I felt like saying that life is getting better. 

It's been a long, and much too slow and painful process to get through the past 2 1/2 years.  There have been too many tear-filled days and nights.  There has been too much sadness and anxiety.  And it's not that I'd say those are completely absent from my life, but the ratio of bad to good has changed.

Last January found me crying in bed, unable (or unwilling) to get up and get through the day.  For every 10-12 days like that, I'd have one day that I felt functional.  I'd like to say that only was for a month, but in reality, it started when my dad died on Thanksgiving, and continued till about March or April.  Sometime in the spring I found the days were about 1/2 and 1/2.  And now, I'd say that for every 10-12 good days, I have one not so good day.  And even on the "bad" days, I can force myself up and at 'em, and just yesterday I started cleaning my office.  That is a big thing! 

The other day at work I was talking with an elderly woman who came in for some physical therapy.  I asked how she was doing and she responded, "Not very good."  She sounded depressed.  As we talked she continued along that vein and said, "I don't have good days anymore."  A lightbulb flashed in my mind and I recognized that despair.  I also determined that I never want to be there again.  I always want to be able to say that I have good days.

My good days begin with the recognition of what amazing kids I have been blessed with, and with a conversation with the Lord, thanking Him for my many blessings.  How greatful I am that my good days far outweigh the bad now!

Discouragement

Today I got very discouraging news about a job I was perfect for and hoped to get.  I am very worried about finances right now and was hopeful that I would find a job that paid well with decent hours.  This job was ideal.

When I left the district office (it was a school job) I felt defeated.  The tears rolled down my face and I felt so disappointed, and abandoned.  I have been praying about jobs and I felt so positive about this one.  I had let my hopes get too high. 

Later today the thought popped into my mind that this is just another trial for me, trying to find a good job.  And immediately I felt angry.  I'm so tired of trials.  I've had enough, without reprieve.  I sometimes feel like I just am ready to quit trying to be good and hopeful that the Lord will answer my prayers.  I often feel like He isn't listening or doesn't care.  The little things pile up, and add to the already enormous things and I feel like I am not strong enough for the burdens.

Even as I right this, with tears running down my cheeks, I feel alone.  But I also recognize that I am tremendously blessed, with the most important things.  I have amazing boys!  They are good and kind, and honest.  They have testimonies and they love and respect me.  I have a nice home, a beautiful pool, food and shelter.  It is true that I might lose the house, I may not be able to make the payments, but even so, I know that I will be okay, that my life will still be comfortable.  I know my kids will be taken care of. 

I wish that in addition to these wonderful blessings I could feel like my other needs are taken care of.  I wish I had at least one adult who I felt truly close to, who I felt really cares.  I wish I could make the money I need to provide for my family.  I wish I felt valuable, wanted, and needed.

It seem selfish to want more when I have so much.

Takin' Out the Trash

My teenage son just helped me purge our cupboards.  We got rid of anything with high fat, high sodium, or high sugars (not like fruit, but processed sugars).  We went through the cupboards, fridge, and freezer.  We got rid of 7 bags of food.  It was hard and at one point I said, "We should save this stuff and give it to a food bank", but my son is wise beyond his years and he said, "If we keep it, we won't donate it, we'll just eat it, or put it back in our cupboards."  He is right.  That's exactly what we would do.   I had to tell myself that it was no different than throwing it down my throat and into my body, in which case it would be gone and not help anyone else, but that in this way it is healthier.  We filled up our huge wheeled garbage can and took it to the curb to be picked up in the morning.

I wouldn't have been so ruthless without his help.  I would have probably kept half of it.  I did keep 4 cake mixes and 2 brownie mixes, but I'm not too worried about them as I don't bake much.  I figure we have Rocky's b-day next week and will make a cake for that and then we will hang on to the rest for church parties.  I'm on the activity committee and am often asked to bring a tray of brownies or something like that.

We didn't do the canned food cupboard, cause we forgot.  It will have a lot to throw away - popcorn, creamed soup mixes, etc...  We may save a few items in food storage, but most will be tossed.  We have canned veggies, but I think I will keep them and rinse them well before eating.  Not perfect, but not a total waste either.

Austin is very supportive of my goals to eat healthier.  He even said he'd try to switch to a milk substitute.  I am so glad to have his support.  I hope that following this diet will help me feel better quickly!

Scary Confession

I think I have diabetes. 

I haven't told anyone because, well, I don't know for sure and I don't want to be judged, scolded, or given directions.  In December of 2008 I had some blood work done, it came back showing that I had elevated fat levels in my blood - Hyperlipidemia.  I had mildly elevated cholesterol, 203 (normal is 100-199), slightly elevated triglycerides, 153 (normal is 0-149), and was at the low end of HDL cholesterol, 39 (normal is greater than 39), and high LDL cholesterol, 133 (normal is 0-99).  No indications of pre-diabetes though.

The reasons I think I might have diabetes though are: 1) I am more than 100 lbs overweight. 2) I have been experiencing very frequent urination, sometimes multiple times in an hour. 3) I have been extra thirsty (of course it's been 95 degrees too).  4) I have had really excessive fatigue, beyond my normal laziness.  And lastly, but most imporantly, I've been having some bouts with severe blurry vision.  Sometimes it's so bad I can't even read my computer screen unless I increase the zoom level to 150%.  Lately the normal is 125%. 

This worries me, because I don't have insurance.  So 1) I don't want to go to the doctor because it will cost probably about $200 just to see doctor and have tests done.  2) If I'm right, then I will have ongoing doctor appts (regularly $112/visit), plus the cost of medications.

I am going to try to lose weight and reverse this by using the same vegan/nutritarian diet that my sisters are on.  The thing is, I hate to cook, and it's all veggies.  Lots of chopping, prepping, and cooking.  ug!  Also, I love food.  I want to eat sushi, chocolate cake, and the occasional Big Mac. 

I also realize, I'm going to have to be really diligent and honest with myself.  I'm going to have to change not only my habits, but my entire life style... and that means forever.  This is a whole new reality for me.  Now I'm not just fat, 42 (43 in two weeks), single, broke, but now I also might have a serious disease that I could have prevented. 

What if I don't have diabetes... well, according to the blood tests a year and a half ago, I'm at elevated risk for heart attack and stroke.  So shouldn't I do this anyway?  Hell, yes I should!  I am going to have to remind myself all the time though, that this is serious, and I have to be dedicated to changing my life. 

On Jillian Michael's show, Losing It, she asked a mom recently when the mom said she loved cigarettes, "Do you love your children more?"  And immediately I thought, "Do I love my children more than I love food, sugar, and the anesthetic calm I get from comfort eating?"  Yes.  The answer is definately YES!  I wish that made it easy.  I know it will still be hard... but I have to remind myself that I love my kids more.

This is scary to me, but I don't want to tell anyone.  I feel like it will be one of those things where they will say the right things but think, "Well, duh!  What did she think would happen?"  It kinda sucks.

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting the store to buy Kale and beans, and chard, and leeks and whatever else I need.  I'll keep a posting on here about how I am doing.

Beneficial Lies?

Diet and Exercise. If there was ever a topic I lied to myself about it would be one or both of these. I mean I am honest when I say I don't like to exercise. And I am honest when I say I don't like to diet. But you know where I lie to myself... when I say, "I'm ready to make this change." I throw away the junk food and I buy tons of fruits and veggies and I check out books from the library. I exercise at a brisk pace for a whole hour and I really commit, and I follow it up with a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies with extra chocolate chips. Then the next day I have a slice of cream cheese... by itself. Go ahead, gag, it's gross. But for those of you who know, it's also very creamy and yummy (and guilt inducing and gross).


Am I lying? Should I really tell myself, "I am NOT ready to make this change. I am going to blow it tomorrow or even in three hours, and I am going to feel even worse about myself for blowing it."? Because if I tell myself the truth, I probably won't even begin the exercise program or eat the apple instead of the Oreos. Or perhaps, is this little self-delusion actually beneficial? Just think, if I lie to myself every single day, that could be the start of some real healthy habits. Every day I might do that one hour workout. I might eat the salad and oatmeal and blueberries. True, I might also eat the cookies and cream cheese, but the healthy stuff will have been the appetizer. Isn't that better than nothing?

Being Single

First things first: I found out that TM is 56, not 63 - so that's much better.  But I also found out he is married, and instantly all desires of kissing him just faded away.  Nice.  It's good to know that what I would hope I would feel, is exactly how I did feel and that my physical chemistry supports my moral beliefs.

Today I met with my counselor.  He suggested that having my ex live so close and be so involved in my life is preventing me from moving on, even though this is what I have chosen to make sure my kids have as much access to their father as possible.  I think there is truth there.  When my ex, let's call him "Ex" is out of town, or I am out of town, I feel a lightness, it is easier to exist without feeling like I have to "be nice" and "be polite".  I can just be myself.  I probably talk to Ex about 3-6 times/day, and I probably see him at least once/day if not more.  And although I don't emotionally re-live all the pain each time I see him, I am no longer myself around him.  I don't confide in him, I don't feel connected to him, and because I did before, it does feel like I have to make an effort to be proper and maintain a safe emotional distance.

I think I would become "single" faster and healthier if there were a greater distance, if he attended a different ward, and if we weren't constantly around each other.  I am going to work on creating that distance somehow. 

I Camouflage

Tonight my sister-in-law mentioned, on a family forum, a craft she was planning on doing in Primary with the kids for Mother's Day.  She wanted to know if we thought it was a good craft idea.  Two of my sisters responded with their enthusiasm for the craft.  But when I first read about the craft, my thought was, "How many of those does a mom need?"  and "If my child gave me that I'd feel obligated to use it and display it, but secretly I'd want to get rid of it." 

This kind of thing happens all the time on our family forum, and I usually just don't comment.  In fact, when we are planning a get together, I just keep my mouth shut, because almost always what I suggest is ignored or shot down.  Where we are going to eat - we always go to where R. or E. want to go, unless S. has done "chow-hound" research and then we go where she tells us to.  Where we are going site seeing - it's usually E. or R. who decide.  What is on the evening agenda - usually R. or E.  Who is staying in which rooms on which floors - usually my mom, based on E's preferences.  What we should give as a group gift - usually R decides this.  Anyway, they are fabulous sisters and have great taste and I enjoy myself with them most of the time, but I've learned to keep my opinions to myself.  Anyway, with this craft thing, I thought about this blog, and being honest, so I kindly told them that I probably wouldn't be too excited about getting that craft, and I offered two alternative ideas.  Now whether M decides to do the original or something else is absolutely no skin off my back.  It won't phase me in the least.  I don't live there, I won't be receiving one, I don't have to help with the project, I have no vested pride in the ideas I submitted as they aren't my own, but rather something I've received before, but still it felt risky to be the dissenting opinion.  I worried I would offend M, or that S or E might think I was being rude.  But afterwards, I felt a little bit proud that I was honest about how I felt.  I am anxious though, to see if there are any responses to my choice to go against the grain, because in our family, I don't contrast, I camouflage. 

I'll see how I feel tomorrow if there are any responses.  Wierd that I feel nervous about that.  It makes me feel like there is something wrong with my self-esteem.  But it also makes me feel like that means I need to do this more often, be honest about how I feel about things.

Call Me Calista

I met a guy last week.  For the first time in over two years I found myself thinking that I really was attracted to someone.  Now, I didn't let myself get too infatuated, I don't know enough about him, he might even be married.  He doesn't wear a wedding ring, but I know well that that doesn't mean he's not married.

I have spent about 26 hours with him in training for a job I got.  He is one of the trainers so I have learned a bit about his personality.  He seems kind, with a good sense of humor, intelligent, and easy going.  He is handsome, to me.  He has golden flecks in his eyes, which makes me sound like a doe-eyed teenager, but it is one of the first things I noticed besides his smile. 

So I've been thinking, when this job is over, I think I would go out with this trainer man (TM for short).  I would definately kiss him. 

Then today, he was talking with the other trainer and there were only about 5 of us in the room and the other trainer asked him about grandchildren and he said, "Oh yeah, I've got two."  I instantly perked up and thought, "He's got grandchildren?!"  But then I thought of my friend who had 3 grandchildren by the time she was 39.  And I thought, "Okay, no biggie, he's probably like 48-49.  Definitely possible."  Then he says, "My oldest grandson is 17, and my youngest...."  WTH?!  What?!  17?!  I couldn't help myself, I blurted out, "Nuh-uh!  You don't have a 17 year old grandson!"  and he said, "Yes I do."  and I exclaimed, "No you don't!  I don't believe you!"  And he said, "Yes I do.  Here is his picture."  And I said, "No Way!  You do not!"  Which by now was getting stupid, but really, I couldn't have been more shocked if he had announced he was actually a woman.  Then I said, "How old are you?" and he replied, "63".  SIXTY-THREE?!!!!!   Where do I go from there?  I said, "No way!", again sounding like a teenager with a 10 word vocabulary.  And he says, "Why?  Did you think I was younger?"  And I say, "YES! Much younger!" to which he replied, "Well, thanks".

SIXTY-THREE!  And I wanted to kiss him.  Maybe even date him.  But definitely kiss him.  Do you know that he is twenty-one years older than me?  21!  TWENTY-ONE! 

Honestly though, I would have thought that I would be grossed out by the thought of kissing someone 21 years older than me.  I have spent most of the day thinking about it.  He was only 9 years younger than my dad, but 23 years older than me.  I keep thinking that I can't believe he is that much older.

Then today after my field test I dropped off the evaluator and TM was outside and I said hi.  He walked over to my car to talk to me and I rolled my window down.  He leaned over and rested his hands on my window sill, just two feet from me and asked how it went.  All very professional, but his golden eyes were right there, his nice smile, and he is actually really cute, and nice, and that huge age difference didn't seem to dent the iron clad armor of my totally wayward sex drive which I seem to constantly be reigning in.  So, honestly, if TM made a move I would probably still go for it.  Is that gross?  I guess I would think it was if he seemed 63.  But he doesn't.

Postponing the Inevitable

It is 11:41pm.  I am tired.  I need to go to sleep because I have to get up by 6:45 in the morning.  But I am up, writing a post.  If I weren't doing this I might be watching t.v., reading someone else's blog, checking email, creating some document or training tool for work, checking facebook, creating a craigslist ad, or any number of other things.  One night I decided to design a website - and I did.  I stayed up the entire night until 9:45 the next morning, designing a website, learning how to create a sitemap using HTML, and creating the content for the website.  It was good. 

Why do I stay up so late?  Good question.  Honest answer - I DONT KNOW.  Really.  I love sleep.  I just hate "going" to sleep.  I hate laying there awake, thinking of everything.  Often thinking about how I haven't had sex, or even kissed a man for OVER two years.  This after over 20 years of a steady relationship with lots of great sex and kissing. 

I've tried kissing a pillow, to see if I remember how it feels.  I've tried kissing my hand.  It's stupid.  It doesn't feel like a kiss, it doesn't feel like anything, except maybe like I'm kissing my hand.  Oh MAN!   I would love to kiss someone! 

How come is it that when we get divorced, we just are supposed to quit all of that... cold turkey.  Yeah, that might work for tobacco, alcohol, and chocolate - but it's just not happening for me with sex.  Every two weeks my homones fluctuate - and with each fluctuation I find myself aching for a little "fluctuation" of a different kind.  That sounded good in my head, but reading it back it doesn't carry the same punch.  Oh well, I'm not changing it.  Don't mis-interpret this. I do not want a relationship really. I really just want the sex and the cuddling. But not the risky emotional ties.

Also, I don't go to bed because night time is the only time I really have totally to myself.  But I don't use it how I would if someone said, "I'm going to give you two full hours on your own, no distractions, to do whatever you want."  If that happened, I'd read, or visit with a friend, or go on a walk.  If it was summer and daytime, I'd lay out in the sunshine and listen to great music.  I might watch a movie.  But no... I spend it checking email, facebook, blogs, and doing work, when what I really should be doing is sleeping.  I am a dork.  It's true.  I need to go to bed now.

Mavis and Tucker

No one would find it as interesting as I do, I'm sure, but there are two ducks in our pool.  Of course I have named them. You can't adore a living thing without giving it a name. Mavis returns every year, but she always brings a new beau, at least that is what the duck experts say, and I can't tell her lovers apart. This year it is Tucker. Tucker is a handsome duck for sure, that Mavis really knows how to pick them!


I hear them out there in the early mornings, softly quacking, almost a sleepy grunting kind of quack.  I look out my bedroom window and see them paddling around in the pool.  Oval wet spots sporadically dot the concrete around the pool.  Sometimes I hear splashing and look out to see them in the full throes of ...bathing, no not mating, merely bathing, bobbing under the water, then stretching up in an almost flight position, using wings and feet to propel water to every inch of their feathered round bodies.  Other times I don't hear them and I will look out and see them sitting quietly on the grass or cement, in a peaceful repose, enjoying the soft filtering light of early morning. 

It is always early morning, because by 7:00 they have been thoroughly barked up and away by my fearless terrier, Lulu.  Lulu is trying to form a peaceful relationship with them, but poor thing, just can't control herself 90% of the time.  But that 10% is fun to watch.  She sits in the house, looking out the sliding glass door at the ducks.  It is a tense posture, not a relaxed perch by any means.  Her doggie door sits right there, waiting for her to dart out of it at 30 MPH.  But instead, she just sits there and watches.  Maybe she goes out, slowly, then she sits on the step, just watching.  I wonder what is going on in her head.

The other morning there was a ruckus.  Splashing beyond the norm woke both Lulu and I up.  Lulu hopped (literally hopped) onto the bedspread and started growling at my window.  I am on the second floor and all she could see was tree-tops, but she knew Mavis and Tucker were up to something.  Expecting to see them in a passionate twist, I looked out and was suprized to see Tucker, in the pool, fighting with another duck, we'll call him Ivan.  Tucker and Ivan were fully going at it, trying to maim each other.  Mavis stood on the grass and watched, probably rooting for Tucker, but unable to assist. 

Lulu couldn't stand it.  She tore down the stairs and leaped, at full speed out her doggie door, barking for all her life was worth and took off after Mavis, because she was the only land - based duck.  Mavis was so aggitated she almost didn't get away and finally flew into the pool.  Tucker and Ivan didn't even look up, but kept pummeling each other with their wings and bills.  Lulu ferociously barked from the side lines (she refuses to get wet if at all possible), and the ducks moved about.  They flew out of the pool and landed just about 12 feet from Lulu who took off again, and really just missed catching Mavis by about 1 foot.  It was spectacular!

I told my boys about it when they woke up.  But they lacked the enthusisam I had about the incident.  They were interested, sure, but just not engaged. 

So this is where the honesty part comes in.  This is one of the things I really miss about being married.  I miss having someone who listens to you and is engaged in your life, your stories, your interests, and your unimportant details.  I wanted to tell the incident to everyone I saw that day - but I didn't tell anyone besides my boys.  Why?  Because why would anyone else care?  They haven't watched me fall in love with Mavis and Tucker.  They haven't witnessed me saying good night to them each night before I head up to bed, and saying good morning each day as I greet the day.  They just wouldn't get it. 

I miss telling someone my stupid, wierd, and insignificant dreams.  I miss having someone ask about my day, and really - REALLY - wanting to know the answer.  I miss being that person to someone else.  The person they tell about the dumb driver who cut them off on their way to work in the morning.  I miss being the person that listens to 25 minutes of boring business meeting talk just to find out that it was the guy in India that caused the whole problem in the first place because he didn't follow procedure.  I don't miss that because of the conversation, I miss it because of the connection.  I miss that connection.  And no matter what anyone else says, no matter what the books say, all the friends in the world are not the same as that one person who really understands why you love the stupid ducks who poop on your concrete in your backyard.