Call Me Calista

I met a guy last week.  For the first time in over two years I found myself thinking that I really was attracted to someone.  Now, I didn't let myself get too infatuated, I don't know enough about him, he might even be married.  He doesn't wear a wedding ring, but I know well that that doesn't mean he's not married.

I have spent about 26 hours with him in training for a job I got.  He is one of the trainers so I have learned a bit about his personality.  He seems kind, with a good sense of humor, intelligent, and easy going.  He is handsome, to me.  He has golden flecks in his eyes, which makes me sound like a doe-eyed teenager, but it is one of the first things I noticed besides his smile. 

So I've been thinking, when this job is over, I think I would go out with this trainer man (TM for short).  I would definately kiss him. 

Then today, he was talking with the other trainer and there were only about 5 of us in the room and the other trainer asked him about grandchildren and he said, "Oh yeah, I've got two."  I instantly perked up and thought, "He's got grandchildren?!"  But then I thought of my friend who had 3 grandchildren by the time she was 39.  And I thought, "Okay, no biggie, he's probably like 48-49.  Definitely possible."  Then he says, "My oldest grandson is 17, and my youngest...."  WTH?!  What?!  17?!  I couldn't help myself, I blurted out, "Nuh-uh!  You don't have a 17 year old grandson!"  and he said, "Yes I do."  and I exclaimed, "No you don't!  I don't believe you!"  And he said, "Yes I do.  Here is his picture."  And I said, "No Way!  You do not!"  Which by now was getting stupid, but really, I couldn't have been more shocked if he had announced he was actually a woman.  Then I said, "How old are you?" and he replied, "63".  SIXTY-THREE?!!!!!   Where do I go from there?  I said, "No way!", again sounding like a teenager with a 10 word vocabulary.  And he says, "Why?  Did you think I was younger?"  And I say, "YES! Much younger!" to which he replied, "Well, thanks".

SIXTY-THREE!  And I wanted to kiss him.  Maybe even date him.  But definitely kiss him.  Do you know that he is twenty-one years older than me?  21!  TWENTY-ONE! 

Honestly though, I would have thought that I would be grossed out by the thought of kissing someone 21 years older than me.  I have spent most of the day thinking about it.  He was only 9 years younger than my dad, but 23 years older than me.  I keep thinking that I can't believe he is that much older.

Then today after my field test I dropped off the evaluator and TM was outside and I said hi.  He walked over to my car to talk to me and I rolled my window down.  He leaned over and rested his hands on my window sill, just two feet from me and asked how it went.  All very professional, but his golden eyes were right there, his nice smile, and he is actually really cute, and nice, and that huge age difference didn't seem to dent the iron clad armor of my totally wayward sex drive which I seem to constantly be reigning in.  So, honestly, if TM made a move I would probably still go for it.  Is that gross?  I guess I would think it was if he seemed 63.  But he doesn't.

Postponing the Inevitable

It is 11:41pm.  I am tired.  I need to go to sleep because I have to get up by 6:45 in the morning.  But I am up, writing a post.  If I weren't doing this I might be watching t.v., reading someone else's blog, checking email, creating some document or training tool for work, checking facebook, creating a craigslist ad, or any number of other things.  One night I decided to design a website - and I did.  I stayed up the entire night until 9:45 the next morning, designing a website, learning how to create a sitemap using HTML, and creating the content for the website.  It was good. 

Why do I stay up so late?  Good question.  Honest answer - I DONT KNOW.  Really.  I love sleep.  I just hate "going" to sleep.  I hate laying there awake, thinking of everything.  Often thinking about how I haven't had sex, or even kissed a man for OVER two years.  This after over 20 years of a steady relationship with lots of great sex and kissing. 

I've tried kissing a pillow, to see if I remember how it feels.  I've tried kissing my hand.  It's stupid.  It doesn't feel like a kiss, it doesn't feel like anything, except maybe like I'm kissing my hand.  Oh MAN!   I would love to kiss someone! 

How come is it that when we get divorced, we just are supposed to quit all of that... cold turkey.  Yeah, that might work for tobacco, alcohol, and chocolate - but it's just not happening for me with sex.  Every two weeks my homones fluctuate - and with each fluctuation I find myself aching for a little "fluctuation" of a different kind.  That sounded good in my head, but reading it back it doesn't carry the same punch.  Oh well, I'm not changing it.  Don't mis-interpret this. I do not want a relationship really. I really just want the sex and the cuddling. But not the risky emotional ties.

Also, I don't go to bed because night time is the only time I really have totally to myself.  But I don't use it how I would if someone said, "I'm going to give you two full hours on your own, no distractions, to do whatever you want."  If that happened, I'd read, or visit with a friend, or go on a walk.  If it was summer and daytime, I'd lay out in the sunshine and listen to great music.  I might watch a movie.  But no... I spend it checking email, facebook, blogs, and doing work, when what I really should be doing is sleeping.  I am a dork.  It's true.  I need to go to bed now.