Postponing the Inevitable

It is 11:41pm.  I am tired.  I need to go to sleep because I have to get up by 6:45 in the morning.  But I am up, writing a post.  If I weren't doing this I might be watching t.v., reading someone else's blog, checking email, creating some document or training tool for work, checking facebook, creating a craigslist ad, or any number of other things.  One night I decided to design a website - and I did.  I stayed up the entire night until 9:45 the next morning, designing a website, learning how to create a sitemap using HTML, and creating the content for the website.  It was good. 

Why do I stay up so late?  Good question.  Honest answer - I DONT KNOW.  Really.  I love sleep.  I just hate "going" to sleep.  I hate laying there awake, thinking of everything.  Often thinking about how I haven't had sex, or even kissed a man for OVER two years.  This after over 20 years of a steady relationship with lots of great sex and kissing. 

I've tried kissing a pillow, to see if I remember how it feels.  I've tried kissing my hand.  It's stupid.  It doesn't feel like a kiss, it doesn't feel like anything, except maybe like I'm kissing my hand.  Oh MAN!   I would love to kiss someone! 

How come is it that when we get divorced, we just are supposed to quit all of that... cold turkey.  Yeah, that might work for tobacco, alcohol, and chocolate - but it's just not happening for me with sex.  Every two weeks my homones fluctuate - and with each fluctuation I find myself aching for a little "fluctuation" of a different kind.  That sounded good in my head, but reading it back it doesn't carry the same punch.  Oh well, I'm not changing it.  Don't mis-interpret this. I do not want a relationship really. I really just want the sex and the cuddling. But not the risky emotional ties.

Also, I don't go to bed because night time is the only time I really have totally to myself.  But I don't use it how I would if someone said, "I'm going to give you two full hours on your own, no distractions, to do whatever you want."  If that happened, I'd read, or visit with a friend, or go on a walk.  If it was summer and daytime, I'd lay out in the sunshine and listen to great music.  I might watch a movie.  But no... I spend it checking email, facebook, blogs, and doing work, when what I really should be doing is sleeping.  I am a dork.  It's true.  I need to go to bed now.