Scary Confession

I think I have diabetes. 

I haven't told anyone because, well, I don't know for sure and I don't want to be judged, scolded, or given directions.  In December of 2008 I had some blood work done, it came back showing that I had elevated fat levels in my blood - Hyperlipidemia.  I had mildly elevated cholesterol, 203 (normal is 100-199), slightly elevated triglycerides, 153 (normal is 0-149), and was at the low end of HDL cholesterol, 39 (normal is greater than 39), and high LDL cholesterol, 133 (normal is 0-99).  No indications of pre-diabetes though.

The reasons I think I might have diabetes though are: 1) I am more than 100 lbs overweight. 2) I have been experiencing very frequent urination, sometimes multiple times in an hour. 3) I have been extra thirsty (of course it's been 95 degrees too).  4) I have had really excessive fatigue, beyond my normal laziness.  And lastly, but most imporantly, I've been having some bouts with severe blurry vision.  Sometimes it's so bad I can't even read my computer screen unless I increase the zoom level to 150%.  Lately the normal is 125%. 

This worries me, because I don't have insurance.  So 1) I don't want to go to the doctor because it will cost probably about $200 just to see doctor and have tests done.  2) If I'm right, then I will have ongoing doctor appts (regularly $112/visit), plus the cost of medications.

I am going to try to lose weight and reverse this by using the same vegan/nutritarian diet that my sisters are on.  The thing is, I hate to cook, and it's all veggies.  Lots of chopping, prepping, and cooking.  ug!  Also, I love food.  I want to eat sushi, chocolate cake, and the occasional Big Mac. 

I also realize, I'm going to have to be really diligent and honest with myself.  I'm going to have to change not only my habits, but my entire life style... and that means forever.  This is a whole new reality for me.  Now I'm not just fat, 42 (43 in two weeks), single, broke, but now I also might have a serious disease that I could have prevented. 

What if I don't have diabetes... well, according to the blood tests a year and a half ago, I'm at elevated risk for heart attack and stroke.  So shouldn't I do this anyway?  Hell, yes I should!  I am going to have to remind myself all the time though, that this is serious, and I have to be dedicated to changing my life. 

On Jillian Michael's show, Losing It, she asked a mom recently when the mom said she loved cigarettes, "Do you love your children more?"  And immediately I thought, "Do I love my children more than I love food, sugar, and the anesthetic calm I get from comfort eating?"  Yes.  The answer is definately YES!  I wish that made it easy.  I know it will still be hard... but I have to remind myself that I love my kids more.

This is scary to me, but I don't want to tell anyone.  I feel like it will be one of those things where they will say the right things but think, "Well, duh!  What did she think would happen?"  It kinda sucks.

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting the store to buy Kale and beans, and chard, and leeks and whatever else I need.  I'll keep a posting on here about how I am doing.

I Camouflage

Tonight my sister-in-law mentioned, on a family forum, a craft she was planning on doing in Primary with the kids for Mother's Day.  She wanted to know if we thought it was a good craft idea.  Two of my sisters responded with their enthusiasm for the craft.  But when I first read about the craft, my thought was, "How many of those does a mom need?"  and "If my child gave me that I'd feel obligated to use it and display it, but secretly I'd want to get rid of it." 

This kind of thing happens all the time on our family forum, and I usually just don't comment.  In fact, when we are planning a get together, I just keep my mouth shut, because almost always what I suggest is ignored or shot down.  Where we are going to eat - we always go to where R. or E. want to go, unless S. has done "chow-hound" research and then we go where she tells us to.  Where we are going site seeing - it's usually E. or R. who decide.  What is on the evening agenda - usually R. or E.  Who is staying in which rooms on which floors - usually my mom, based on E's preferences.  What we should give as a group gift - usually R decides this.  Anyway, they are fabulous sisters and have great taste and I enjoy myself with them most of the time, but I've learned to keep my opinions to myself.  Anyway, with this craft thing, I thought about this blog, and being honest, so I kindly told them that I probably wouldn't be too excited about getting that craft, and I offered two alternative ideas.  Now whether M decides to do the original or something else is absolutely no skin off my back.  It won't phase me in the least.  I don't live there, I won't be receiving one, I don't have to help with the project, I have no vested pride in the ideas I submitted as they aren't my own, but rather something I've received before, but still it felt risky to be the dissenting opinion.  I worried I would offend M, or that S or E might think I was being rude.  But afterwards, I felt a little bit proud that I was honest about how I felt.  I am anxious though, to see if there are any responses to my choice to go against the grain, because in our family, I don't contrast, I camouflage. 

I'll see how I feel tomorrow if there are any responses.  Wierd that I feel nervous about that.  It makes me feel like there is something wrong with my self-esteem.  But it also makes me feel like that means I need to do this more often, be honest about how I feel about things.