Today I got very discouraging news about a job I was perfect for and hoped to get. I am very worried about finances right now and was hopeful that I would find a job that paid well with decent hours. This job was ideal.
When I left the district office (it was a school job) I felt defeated. The tears rolled down my face and I felt so disappointed, and abandoned. I have been praying about jobs and I felt so positive about this one. I had let my hopes get too high.
Later today the thought popped into my mind that this is just another trial for me, trying to find a good job. And immediately I felt angry. I'm so tired of trials. I've had enough, without reprieve. I sometimes feel like I just am ready to quit trying to be good and hopeful that the Lord will answer my prayers. I often feel like He isn't listening or doesn't care. The little things pile up, and add to the already enormous things and I feel like I am not strong enough for the burdens.
Even as I right this, with tears running down my cheeks, I feel alone. But I also recognize that I am tremendously blessed, with the most important things. I have amazing boys! They are good and kind, and honest. They have testimonies and they love and respect me. I have a nice home, a beautiful pool, food and shelter. It is true that I might lose the house, I may not be able to make the payments, but even so, I know that I will be okay, that my life will still be comfortable. I know my kids will be taken care of.
I wish that in addition to these wonderful blessings I could feel like my other needs are taken care of. I wish I had at least one adult who I felt truly close to, who I felt really cares. I wish I could make the money I need to provide for my family. I wish I felt valuable, wanted, and needed.
It seem selfish to want more when I have so much.
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