I have good days.

I haven't blogged in a long time.  I haven't known what to say, or what to share.  Perhaps I still don't, but today I felt like saying that life is getting better. 

It's been a long, and much too slow and painful process to get through the past 2 1/2 years.  There have been too many tear-filled days and nights.  There has been too much sadness and anxiety.  And it's not that I'd say those are completely absent from my life, but the ratio of bad to good has changed.

Last January found me crying in bed, unable (or unwilling) to get up and get through the day.  For every 10-12 days like that, I'd have one day that I felt functional.  I'd like to say that only was for a month, but in reality, it started when my dad died on Thanksgiving, and continued till about March or April.  Sometime in the spring I found the days were about 1/2 and 1/2.  And now, I'd say that for every 10-12 good days, I have one not so good day.  And even on the "bad" days, I can force myself up and at 'em, and just yesterday I started cleaning my office.  That is a big thing! 

The other day at work I was talking with an elderly woman who came in for some physical therapy.  I asked how she was doing and she responded, "Not very good."  She sounded depressed.  As we talked she continued along that vein and said, "I don't have good days anymore."  A lightbulb flashed in my mind and I recognized that despair.  I also determined that I never want to be there again.  I always want to be able to say that I have good days.

My good days begin with the recognition of what amazing kids I have been blessed with, and with a conversation with the Lord, thanking Him for my many blessings.  How greatful I am that my good days far outweigh the bad now!

Discouragement

Today I got very discouraging news about a job I was perfect for and hoped to get.  I am very worried about finances right now and was hopeful that I would find a job that paid well with decent hours.  This job was ideal.

When I left the district office (it was a school job) I felt defeated.  The tears rolled down my face and I felt so disappointed, and abandoned.  I have been praying about jobs and I felt so positive about this one.  I had let my hopes get too high. 

Later today the thought popped into my mind that this is just another trial for me, trying to find a good job.  And immediately I felt angry.  I'm so tired of trials.  I've had enough, without reprieve.  I sometimes feel like I just am ready to quit trying to be good and hopeful that the Lord will answer my prayers.  I often feel like He isn't listening or doesn't care.  The little things pile up, and add to the already enormous things and I feel like I am not strong enough for the burdens.

Even as I right this, with tears running down my cheeks, I feel alone.  But I also recognize that I am tremendously blessed, with the most important things.  I have amazing boys!  They are good and kind, and honest.  They have testimonies and they love and respect me.  I have a nice home, a beautiful pool, food and shelter.  It is true that I might lose the house, I may not be able to make the payments, but even so, I know that I will be okay, that my life will still be comfortable.  I know my kids will be taken care of. 

I wish that in addition to these wonderful blessings I could feel like my other needs are taken care of.  I wish I had at least one adult who I felt truly close to, who I felt really cares.  I wish I could make the money I need to provide for my family.  I wish I felt valuable, wanted, and needed.

It seem selfish to want more when I have so much.

Takin' Out the Trash

My teenage son just helped me purge our cupboards.  We got rid of anything with high fat, high sodium, or high sugars (not like fruit, but processed sugars).  We went through the cupboards, fridge, and freezer.  We got rid of 7 bags of food.  It was hard and at one point I said, "We should save this stuff and give it to a food bank", but my son is wise beyond his years and he said, "If we keep it, we won't donate it, we'll just eat it, or put it back in our cupboards."  He is right.  That's exactly what we would do.   I had to tell myself that it was no different than throwing it down my throat and into my body, in which case it would be gone and not help anyone else, but that in this way it is healthier.  We filled up our huge wheeled garbage can and took it to the curb to be picked up in the morning.

I wouldn't have been so ruthless without his help.  I would have probably kept half of it.  I did keep 4 cake mixes and 2 brownie mixes, but I'm not too worried about them as I don't bake much.  I figure we have Rocky's b-day next week and will make a cake for that and then we will hang on to the rest for church parties.  I'm on the activity committee and am often asked to bring a tray of brownies or something like that.

We didn't do the canned food cupboard, cause we forgot.  It will have a lot to throw away - popcorn, creamed soup mixes, etc...  We may save a few items in food storage, but most will be tossed.  We have canned veggies, but I think I will keep them and rinse them well before eating.  Not perfect, but not a total waste either.

Austin is very supportive of my goals to eat healthier.  He even said he'd try to switch to a milk substitute.  I am so glad to have his support.  I hope that following this diet will help me feel better quickly!

Scary Confession

I think I have diabetes. 

I haven't told anyone because, well, I don't know for sure and I don't want to be judged, scolded, or given directions.  In December of 2008 I had some blood work done, it came back showing that I had elevated fat levels in my blood - Hyperlipidemia.  I had mildly elevated cholesterol, 203 (normal is 100-199), slightly elevated triglycerides, 153 (normal is 0-149), and was at the low end of HDL cholesterol, 39 (normal is greater than 39), and high LDL cholesterol, 133 (normal is 0-99).  No indications of pre-diabetes though.

The reasons I think I might have diabetes though are: 1) I am more than 100 lbs overweight. 2) I have been experiencing very frequent urination, sometimes multiple times in an hour. 3) I have been extra thirsty (of course it's been 95 degrees too).  4) I have had really excessive fatigue, beyond my normal laziness.  And lastly, but most imporantly, I've been having some bouts with severe blurry vision.  Sometimes it's so bad I can't even read my computer screen unless I increase the zoom level to 150%.  Lately the normal is 125%. 

This worries me, because I don't have insurance.  So 1) I don't want to go to the doctor because it will cost probably about $200 just to see doctor and have tests done.  2) If I'm right, then I will have ongoing doctor appts (regularly $112/visit), plus the cost of medications.

I am going to try to lose weight and reverse this by using the same vegan/nutritarian diet that my sisters are on.  The thing is, I hate to cook, and it's all veggies.  Lots of chopping, prepping, and cooking.  ug!  Also, I love food.  I want to eat sushi, chocolate cake, and the occasional Big Mac. 

I also realize, I'm going to have to be really diligent and honest with myself.  I'm going to have to change not only my habits, but my entire life style... and that means forever.  This is a whole new reality for me.  Now I'm not just fat, 42 (43 in two weeks), single, broke, but now I also might have a serious disease that I could have prevented. 

What if I don't have diabetes... well, according to the blood tests a year and a half ago, I'm at elevated risk for heart attack and stroke.  So shouldn't I do this anyway?  Hell, yes I should!  I am going to have to remind myself all the time though, that this is serious, and I have to be dedicated to changing my life. 

On Jillian Michael's show, Losing It, she asked a mom recently when the mom said she loved cigarettes, "Do you love your children more?"  And immediately I thought, "Do I love my children more than I love food, sugar, and the anesthetic calm I get from comfort eating?"  Yes.  The answer is definately YES!  I wish that made it easy.  I know it will still be hard... but I have to remind myself that I love my kids more.

This is scary to me, but I don't want to tell anyone.  I feel like it will be one of those things where they will say the right things but think, "Well, duh!  What did she think would happen?"  It kinda sucks.

Tomorrow morning I'm hitting the store to buy Kale and beans, and chard, and leeks and whatever else I need.  I'll keep a posting on here about how I am doing.

Beneficial Lies?

Diet and Exercise. If there was ever a topic I lied to myself about it would be one or both of these. I mean I am honest when I say I don't like to exercise. And I am honest when I say I don't like to diet. But you know where I lie to myself... when I say, "I'm ready to make this change." I throw away the junk food and I buy tons of fruits and veggies and I check out books from the library. I exercise at a brisk pace for a whole hour and I really commit, and I follow it up with a batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies with extra chocolate chips. Then the next day I have a slice of cream cheese... by itself. Go ahead, gag, it's gross. But for those of you who know, it's also very creamy and yummy (and guilt inducing and gross).


Am I lying? Should I really tell myself, "I am NOT ready to make this change. I am going to blow it tomorrow or even in three hours, and I am going to feel even worse about myself for blowing it."? Because if I tell myself the truth, I probably won't even begin the exercise program or eat the apple instead of the Oreos. Or perhaps, is this little self-delusion actually beneficial? Just think, if I lie to myself every single day, that could be the start of some real healthy habits. Every day I might do that one hour workout. I might eat the salad and oatmeal and blueberries. True, I might also eat the cookies and cream cheese, but the healthy stuff will have been the appetizer. Isn't that better than nothing?

Being Single

First things first: I found out that TM is 56, not 63 - so that's much better.  But I also found out he is married, and instantly all desires of kissing him just faded away.  Nice.  It's good to know that what I would hope I would feel, is exactly how I did feel and that my physical chemistry supports my moral beliefs.

Today I met with my counselor.  He suggested that having my ex live so close and be so involved in my life is preventing me from moving on, even though this is what I have chosen to make sure my kids have as much access to their father as possible.  I think there is truth there.  When my ex, let's call him "Ex" is out of town, or I am out of town, I feel a lightness, it is easier to exist without feeling like I have to "be nice" and "be polite".  I can just be myself.  I probably talk to Ex about 3-6 times/day, and I probably see him at least once/day if not more.  And although I don't emotionally re-live all the pain each time I see him, I am no longer myself around him.  I don't confide in him, I don't feel connected to him, and because I did before, it does feel like I have to make an effort to be proper and maintain a safe emotional distance.

I think I would become "single" faster and healthier if there were a greater distance, if he attended a different ward, and if we weren't constantly around each other.  I am going to work on creating that distance somehow. 

I Camouflage

Tonight my sister-in-law mentioned, on a family forum, a craft she was planning on doing in Primary with the kids for Mother's Day.  She wanted to know if we thought it was a good craft idea.  Two of my sisters responded with their enthusiasm for the craft.  But when I first read about the craft, my thought was, "How many of those does a mom need?"  and "If my child gave me that I'd feel obligated to use it and display it, but secretly I'd want to get rid of it." 

This kind of thing happens all the time on our family forum, and I usually just don't comment.  In fact, when we are planning a get together, I just keep my mouth shut, because almost always what I suggest is ignored or shot down.  Where we are going to eat - we always go to where R. or E. want to go, unless S. has done "chow-hound" research and then we go where she tells us to.  Where we are going site seeing - it's usually E. or R. who decide.  What is on the evening agenda - usually R. or E.  Who is staying in which rooms on which floors - usually my mom, based on E's preferences.  What we should give as a group gift - usually R decides this.  Anyway, they are fabulous sisters and have great taste and I enjoy myself with them most of the time, but I've learned to keep my opinions to myself.  Anyway, with this craft thing, I thought about this blog, and being honest, so I kindly told them that I probably wouldn't be too excited about getting that craft, and I offered two alternative ideas.  Now whether M decides to do the original or something else is absolutely no skin off my back.  It won't phase me in the least.  I don't live there, I won't be receiving one, I don't have to help with the project, I have no vested pride in the ideas I submitted as they aren't my own, but rather something I've received before, but still it felt risky to be the dissenting opinion.  I worried I would offend M, or that S or E might think I was being rude.  But afterwards, I felt a little bit proud that I was honest about how I felt.  I am anxious though, to see if there are any responses to my choice to go against the grain, because in our family, I don't contrast, I camouflage. 

I'll see how I feel tomorrow if there are any responses.  Wierd that I feel nervous about that.  It makes me feel like there is something wrong with my self-esteem.  But it also makes me feel like that means I need to do this more often, be honest about how I feel about things.