Discouragement

Today I got very discouraging news about a job I was perfect for and hoped to get.  I am very worried about finances right now and was hopeful that I would find a job that paid well with decent hours.  This job was ideal.

When I left the district office (it was a school job) I felt defeated.  The tears rolled down my face and I felt so disappointed, and abandoned.  I have been praying about jobs and I felt so positive about this one.  I had let my hopes get too high. 

Later today the thought popped into my mind that this is just another trial for me, trying to find a good job.  And immediately I felt angry.  I'm so tired of trials.  I've had enough, without reprieve.  I sometimes feel like I just am ready to quit trying to be good and hopeful that the Lord will answer my prayers.  I often feel like He isn't listening or doesn't care.  The little things pile up, and add to the already enormous things and I feel like I am not strong enough for the burdens.

Even as I right this, with tears running down my cheeks, I feel alone.  But I also recognize that I am tremendously blessed, with the most important things.  I have amazing boys!  They are good and kind, and honest.  They have testimonies and they love and respect me.  I have a nice home, a beautiful pool, food and shelter.  It is true that I might lose the house, I may not be able to make the payments, but even so, I know that I will be okay, that my life will still be comfortable.  I know my kids will be taken care of. 

I wish that in addition to these wonderful blessings I could feel like my other needs are taken care of.  I wish I had at least one adult who I felt truly close to, who I felt really cares.  I wish I could make the money I need to provide for my family.  I wish I felt valuable, wanted, and needed.

It seem selfish to want more when I have so much.