Being Single

First things first: I found out that TM is 56, not 63 - so that's much better.  But I also found out he is married, and instantly all desires of kissing him just faded away.  Nice.  It's good to know that what I would hope I would feel, is exactly how I did feel and that my physical chemistry supports my moral beliefs.

Today I met with my counselor.  He suggested that having my ex live so close and be so involved in my life is preventing me from moving on, even though this is what I have chosen to make sure my kids have as much access to their father as possible.  I think there is truth there.  When my ex, let's call him "Ex" is out of town, or I am out of town, I feel a lightness, it is easier to exist without feeling like I have to "be nice" and "be polite".  I can just be myself.  I probably talk to Ex about 3-6 times/day, and I probably see him at least once/day if not more.  And although I don't emotionally re-live all the pain each time I see him, I am no longer myself around him.  I don't confide in him, I don't feel connected to him, and because I did before, it does feel like I have to make an effort to be proper and maintain a safe emotional distance.

I think I would become "single" faster and healthier if there were a greater distance, if he attended a different ward, and if we weren't constantly around each other.  I am going to work on creating that distance somehow.